At the Tower

The Tower of London: former home of Thomas More, Sir Walter Raleigh, Guido Fawkes (who, as we have learned, was not actually a fox), and many other persons of sufficient importance that they were incarcerated here rather than in one of London's other prisons. But, the Tower—in actuality a complex of builings that has grown up around the massive "White Tower" constructed by William the Conqueror—was also home to the English mint, a govermental record office, and now holds the crown jewels. So, naturally, Old Ken had to make a visit.



One of the most striking features of the area around the Tower is the abundance of refreshingly expansive public spaces. While the Tower compound is flanked by verdant lawns and sloping hills, the piazza-like space beyond its walls provides great views of London proper, as is suggested by the cone of the "gherkin" building visible in the photograph above.



Now, I should warn you that it isn't cheap to visit the Tower; with a student discount, it still cost Old Ken over $20. But, as lovely and crisp a day as it was, I was determined to make the most of it. So, I threw my lot in with a tour group led by the "yeoman guide" (whose head and distinctive black and scarlet garb are just visible as he faces forward just to the left of the first window in the figure above). Apparently, this gent had been living and giving tours at the Tower for over twenty years; he certainly showed no sign of tiring of his job on this day. He gave a real virtuoso performance, reeling off yarns like a master spinner—pitching his voice to emulate More, Henry VIII, and others. In any case, we are looking here at the "Traitor's Gate" built by Henry III—the gate so called as treasonous political prisoners would be brought into the Tower through here by boat. Our guide then offered a charming an account of the medieval culture of violent spectacular punishment which would have made M. Foucault proud.



Here, as the image suggests, we have walked up hill a bit from the river and are looking south toward Tower Bridge at left. Because real estate in London is at such a premium, it is a real treat to see the kinds of ruins evident in the photo at left. And if you strain your eyes, you may be able to some small cages, just tucked in behind the decaying wall.



These cages are home to the fiendish raven minions of my nemesis—Optal-Max Shreek. As you will recall, of course, he is the evil overlord of the Ravensborne River, bent on oppression of the peaceful Quaggy peoples. Old Ken certainly needed no cautioning about the dangers of ravens, but retaliation against raven-violence is (predictably) forbidden. For, as the story goes, should the six ravens kept at the Tower be killed, the Tower would collapse and England itself would fall.



Chillingly, Optal-Max Shreek (who we see at left above) seemed to positively gloat at this privilege. We see him here strutting about with impunity, whispering a diabolical command into the sordid ear of his associate. Free to roam around, "protect" the Tower, and bite with impunity ... I think we need no further proof than Optal-Max Shreek of the dictum that absolute power corrupts absolutely. And if you wish to support the Quaggy Liberation Front, please contact me directly.

Exhibit B

Let's play a little game. Let's call our game "what is that monstrous thing?" But, to make this game a bit more challenging, let's begin with some fragmentary images of our monster and see what we can learn.

What strikes us first here? Well, I think it would have to be the day-glo, fluorescent green color. While perhaps this charming hue might recall the garb of Milli Vanilli or MC Hammer, the association to Old Ken says something a bit more like "Look out!" or "Safety first!" Implicitly, then, there must be some sort of danger involved—a thematic reinforced when we note what seems to be a thick, bicycle-locking cord snaking its way around this beast.



Our sense of emergency, danger, and perhaps even taboo is only heightened as we look at our second detail: a rugged, white-wall tire. Now, when I think of thick, knobby tires like this, I suppose activities like mountain biking spring immediately to mind. But, one would also think that if you are going to be in the deep woods or otherwise communing with nature, you would not be in the kind of extreme emergency situation suggested by the color palette displayed here. And indeed, were you in the back woods on your mountain bike, to whom would your brightly-colored danger warning be addressed?

No, I think what we have here must be involved with transport of some highly dangerous materials in rugged setting, but one in which others would be nearby. Perhaps, what we have is a transport unit for moving munitions around army encampments? Maybe, a kind of sling used for ferrying ferocious tigers out of the deepest jungles, once safely sedated by the scientists who would study their populations and movements? Both of these would involve dangerous tasks and movements across uneven terrain.



These guesses seem to be confirmed as we look down upon our monstrosity. Trustworthy as birds and their characteristic views are, this angle provides some intimation of the object's massive scale; it must occupy over half the hallway! So, what kind of transport would be so dangerous and intrepid that it would need a beast of this kind?



Ah, the answer is obvious: a baby. As we all know, these creatures are made of solid gold, which is then covered with an external layer of enriched plutonium. This makes them extremely heavy and extremely dangerous—so we can't let those Iranians get their hands on one! At the same time, they live in the wildest haunts of the earth. These creatures are always scurrying up cliff faces, diving into dusky bramble, or sneaking around icebergs to commune with penguins. Thankfully there is now a mechanism capable of ferrying this heavy, dangerous but also extremely valuable beast home in a way that is safe, convenient and (dare I say it?) gorgeous. Well done, designer!